....it's often so hard to forgive

...and it's especially hard to forgive someone who isn't sorry.

When we tell them the effects their words or deeds have done

and they still don't offer a heartfelt apology it can very hard to let go of the pain.

So we carry it around...sometimes for our whole lives.

Years and years ago, in my 30's, I wrote my estranged father a letter.  It wasn't an ugly or mean letter, it was just about my life around him.  There was a lot of pain.  He wrote back that it was all my mothers fault.  I laugh now, but at the time it wasn't funny.  I felt invalidated.  He denied all wrong doing.  He was a distant man, quick to anger, and I don't believe he ever liked me.  And his letter to me reflected that.  I know that a lot of things would have been different for me had he been a better father....and if I had forgiven him sooner. 

 I didn't know about the power of forgiveness then, but I've slowly come to realize how much it matters.  I thought for so long that forgiveness was for them, that somehow it meant it was ok what they had done. 

Now I'm coming to really understand that forgiveness is for me.

I've held on to many things in my life in order to take out the evidence of what had been done to me so I could show the jury of my peers... .''see, I'm like this because so and so did this to me...''...''see my wounds!  How could I be any different.''  ''What do you expect.''.  What I really should have been asking, and have asked of me was, ''How long are you going to keep hurting yourself?" 

I know now that what I held on too gave me what I thought was an excuse for my crazy and often self-destructive actions.  Often doing the same things over and over again but expecting different result.  Keeping me in constant victim mode.   

I would often preface my reasons for what I'd done, or didn't do, to myself or someon e else with, ''well my dad emotionally abandoned me, yelled at me, didn't like me...was often cruel to me...So I do, did, or think this way...''  My hurt and disappointment and anger at him, and my desire to make him say he was sorry was big...and I didn't want to let it go.  I also recognize now that those grudges and angry feelings I hold on to prevent me from moving forward into my light.  They are like weights. 
People can and will hurt us.  But we don't have to take it in and hold on to it .

And there is this...when I am in judgement, my heart is closed.

Forgiveness for me rarely comes overnight...not for the old wounds...the ones that are so much a part of me......A lot of forgiveness is about self love, and finally getting to a place of not wanting to carry that icky around anymore.  

I always believed there was something lacking in me that kept my father from wanting to be my dad...

it took a long time to see that it was about him...not a deficiency in me.

 xo 

....ignite your fire

I have been invited to participate in a telecast viewing of a seminar/workshop.  It's called Ignite Your Fire.  The facilitator is Margaret Lynch. 

She is a personal development coach who uses the

 Emotional Freedom Technique..

EFT, a modality I was introduced to by Bettina Fleming 

who uses it in her ministry at 

The Positive Living Center in Oakhurst. 

The workshop was about standing in our power.

Men and women.

Knowing what our soul is calling to.....and freeing ourselves from past scripts and pronouncements that aren't our truth, but what we have taken in order to survive the tribe we find ourselves in,

 or were born into when in reality we are not that person at all.

It was about what magnets we are for what we want when we are truly 

awake to our souls desire....

the focus is largely about what magnets we become 

when we step into our power.  

That what we are seeking is also seeking us.

It is about that power we have when we are connected to our souls calling.

 I do believe we are put on this earth to exchange our gifts...

that we all have a purpose.  

Knowing what that is, and owning it is what gives us flight.

The days I have spent with this group of women has been enlightening.

I was inspired by the women and men who were at the live telecast and even more so by the women in the room with me.  

I know I always come back to this.  

The wonder of the women I know.

But I can't help it.

They are moving forward.  

Healing themselves a little at a  time and in leaps... 
and want to share what has worked for them.

I admire them for their energy and commitment to doing their part to make the world a little better in some way.  A little more beautiful.

They are healers, artist, writers, ministers, organizers, and these are their second jobs. 

Some of these women, my sister/friends,  have been through some BIG stuff...

and not only survived it...but come to the other side still believing in humanity.

It's big stuff.

They inspire me.

The workshops theme song...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves, 

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

 Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. 

Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightened

 about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

 And as we let our own light shine, 

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 

----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.

I've been busy.....

celebrating the divine feminine...

“I Am She”

by Maggie Pym

“I am eternal woman,

the feminine aspect of life present 

at the foundation of this earth.

"I am all women - the Madonna, the Magdalene,

the Virgin, the Crone.

"I am the nurturer of life and its destruction,

the Mystery of Birth, Life, Death, Rebirth;

the Eternal Cycle.

I am the Vessel that holds all Wisdom.

Know me and you know the Secrets of Creation.

“Nothing is strange to me.

No distortion repels me.

All that is, can be purified through my love.

“I am all-knowing, all-wise, all-patient.

Throughout Eternity I wait to be brought again to life.

To fulfill all hidden prophesies.

“Only fire brings me to life.  The fire of Divine Love."

I am SHE.”

Bent But Not Broken

~~~

The Courage to Heal

~~~

Someone To Tell It To

Silver and Gold

my friends

Oh My Goddess

~~~

Sometimes It's Hard

The Bird Goddess

with Janet Morita's

watercolors

Timberline Gallery

Oakhurst, CA.

Art Hop

Saturday April 12

1 - 4 pm

xo

....Thomas Merton

Oh Nobly Born...Oh you of gloriously origins, remember your radiant true nature, the essence of mind. 

Trust it.

Return to it.

It is home.

~ The Tibetan Book of the Dead

Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in God’s eyes. If only they could see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed….I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other. But this cannot be seen, only believed and “understood” by a peculiar gift. 

Thomas Merton

...turtle island

I sometimes feel like an alien creature

for which there is no earthly explanation

Sure I have human form

walking erect and opposing digits,

but my mind is upside down.

I feel like a run-on sentence

in a punctuation crazy world.

And I see the world around me

like a mad collective dream.

An endless stream of people

move like ants from the freeway

cell phones, pc's, and digital displays

"In Money We Trust,"

we'll find happiness

the prevailing attitude;

like a genetically modified irradiated Big Mac

is somehow symbolic of food.

Morality is legislated

prisons over-populated

religion is incorporated

the profit-motive has permeated all activity

we pay our government to let us park on the street

And war is the biggest money-maker of all

we all know missile envy only comes from being small.

Politicians and prostitutes

are comfortable together

I wonder if they talk about the strange change in the weather.

This government was founded by, of, and for the people

but everybody feels it

like a giant open sore

they don't represent us anymore

And blaming the President for the country's woes

is like yelling at a puppet

for the way it sings

Who's the man behind the curtain pulling the strings?

A billion people sitting watching their TV

in the room that they call living

but as for me

I see living as loving

and since there is no loving room

I sit on the grass under a tree

dreaming of the way things used to be

Pre-Industrial Revolution

which of course is before the rivers and oceans,

and skies were polluted

before Parkinson's, and mad cows

and all the convoluted cacophony of bad ideas

like skyscrapers, and tree paper, and earth rapers

like Monsanto and Dupont had their way

as they continue to today.

This was Pre-us

back when the buffalo roamed

and the Indian's home

was the forest, and God was nature

and heaven was here and now

Can you imagine clean water, food, and air

living in community with animals and people who care?

Do you dare to feel responsible for every dollar you lay down

are you going to make the rich man richer

or are you going to stand your ground

You say you want a revolution

a communal evolution

to be a part of the solution

maybe I'll be seeing you around.

—Woody Harrelson

....the Crone

"The Crone holds an unspeakable wisdom in the very cells of her body. 

The beauty and the horror of all life are held together in love. 

Being with her.... we begin to see everything from two sides--

the side that is totally in life, 

and the side that is already dwelling in disembodied soul. 

The Crone helps us hold the paradox."

--Marion Woodman--

Borrowed from the blog..

Maiden, Mother, and Crone

http://mxtodis123-maidenmotherandcrone.blogspot.com/

...what to do with all those questions

I want to ask you, as clearly as I can,

 to bear with patience all that is unresolved in your heart, 

and try to love the questions themselves, 

as if they were rooms yet to enter or books written in a foreign language. 

Don't dig for answers that can't be given you yet: you live them now. 

For everything must be lived. 

Live the questions now, 

perhaps then, someday, 

you will gradually, 

without noticing, 

live into the answer.

 ~Rainer Maria Rilke

...spring cleaning and a reading

I am cleaning up my studio after 5 weeks or so of creativity.

It taking me some time because I am not rushing through it.

I have treasures I had forgotten about...

and things that have gotten put on a shelf or under my futon, forgotten.

I came upon a little basket of faces that for one reason or another weren't speaking to me at time they got put away.

I feel a little bad about ignoring them for so long...

Little Spirit Figures want form.

This cleaning is part necessity...

no place left to set anything down and a floor full of danger to my feet and Shylee,

but it is also because it feels like spring here...time to shift gears...

and although we haven't had much rain we did have a cold, cold, winter.

I spent much of my time in my nest by the wood burner 

doing handwork and watching dvds.  

I've been in kind of a funk...feeling kind of stuck.

I've been letting the state of the world get me down.  Limit my view.

I've been letting others who have a more limited view of the world influence me.

The sun is shining and I love the warmth on my skin and the light.

Sunny spring like days...is there anything better?

So I am going through treasures and trash, deciding what to give away, toss or keep.

 I'm feeling stronger...

Letting go of old stuff.

and looking forward to new stuff...

in all the areas of my life.

The other morning I thought what perfect frame of mind to throw a few cards....see what the tarot had to say about my Spring.

So I asked,

"What can I look forward to during this time of beginnings?"

''What should I be aware of?''

''ready for''

 I focused

shuffled

cut 

and threw down three cards...

Judgement....Queen of Hearts/Cup.....Six of Wands

Of course I think of this card as me.

I am a heart person.

I have been considering matters of the heart, 

things that bring me peace and make me feel alive....

**

Judgement....

As a rule I don't even like the word....Judgement

This is a powerful card and some readers say it trumps all the others...

the Judgement card is about BIG things.

Are your days of sitting on the fence done? Have you found a reason to keep living? Are you feeling refreshed and looking forward to moving on? Has a casual interest turned into a dominating philosophy of life that you are pursuing as your true calling? Are you able to brush aside the ambiguities and obfuscations of the past and clarify exactly what it is you have been through? When the Judgment card arrives in your Tarot reading, it is time to take a stand as the hardest choices become obvious after the simplest of appraisals. 

I didn't throw the cards with the placement in mind...as in past, present or future, as 3 card spreads usually are... 

if that were the case this Judgement card would be in the past position...

and I look at it as a BIG judgement or agreement made in the past, to be or think in a certain way that might not be serving me or anyone else today...I think the Judgement card is asking me to settle my skitterish, busy brain down and look at what is I really want to vision for myself.  Where I want to put my energy...create a clear vision.

**

Six of Wands

Is a card of triumph and movement.

In the future position it often means one is going to succeed at something 

they will take great pride in.

It's about the pleasure of reaping rewards from something you have worked for.

**

I wanted a little more information so decided to throw one more card...

so I shuffled, and cut,

and threw out the Fool...

I happen to be a reader who thinks the fool is a good card...

but it does depend on circumstances.

In some decks the Fool is blindfolded as she/he starts out on a journey with few things to be encumbered by...The Fool may not have a clear idea of where the journey will take her but she has faith that all things will turn out as they should.....

the little dog is often seen as a protector, keeping the Fool from walking off a cliff...

getting this card feels good....and it isn't that life is easy...or decisions are easy... 
but there can be ease in my heart....
a certain knowing that I have what I need to start an new journey.  

As I was putting the deck to the side

The Ace of Hearts fell on the table...

Believing in synchronicity I decided that it was meant to be used in this spread.

The Ace of Hearts/Cup is all about love and if paired with the Judgment card it means that I will be making some important life decisions.

I going to interpret this reading that I am in heart mode and should be.  
That listening to my heart is always the best choice for me. 

I am taking a serious look at some decisions 
I've made that have left me playing small...
Looking again at some opportunities I haven't taken a serious look at because it was more comfortable not to...

and because I was putting a great deal of energy into things that I have no power or control over.

It's kind of like the AA mantra...the Serenity Prayer....

God grand me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I feel like the Six of Wands is telling me to return my focus to my creative inspirations and that I will have continued success in that area, greater success.

Aces are gifts in the tarot and the Ace of Hearts is affirming that I will have the opportunity to make decisions about my future that will allow me to have continued success in my creative endeavors, and continue to have great love in my life....
 I believe I have the support of the Universe if I stay in my truth.


Happy, happy Spring to you....I hope all your decisions come with ease.


ox

If any of you are readers...tell me what you see..ok?

  

...a tiny tour

Out my window..a gray day.

A little sprinkling of rain in the very dry CA. foothills.

What keeps me warm.

A gift.

A thought.

Self portrait.

On the wall.

A start.

In the cupboard.

A resting place...

Something to do...

She has something to say...

Inspiration....

A stack of inspiration....

My nest...

The Trickster...with wings
photo by artist joyce Wycoff.

Someone To Tell it To

Almost done..

My divine muse...

....breathe

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air,

 is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. 

~Erich Fromm 

What a weekend it was...snow, rain, hail, gale force winds, downed trees and 18 hours without power, which here means no water.  

But yesterday I stepped outside and noticed that like magic these lovely dandelions had appeared...

Have you ever had dandelion wine?

It is spring, and today is as lovely as yesterday..

.and when I step into the sun and look at the land turning green

 after such a long dry, very, very cold winter 

I feel like I can breathe again.  

I feel like the things that have held me in such deep doubt

 about the future are going to clear away. 

 Dreams will materialize or become something new.  

On this day I am reminded to breathe. 

 To stop holding my breathe...holding the stuff in....

Breathe...inhale the new, new hope for you, me, and the world...

Exhale all the thoughts and feelings and wants that no longer serve...

Breathe

Breathe in blessing that abound 

Exhale thoughts of lack or fear, thoughts that restrict...

I will breathe.

Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?

 ~Mary Oliver  

Smile, breathe and go slowly. ~Thich Nhat Hanh 

Inhale, and God approaches you. Hold the inhalation, and God remains with you. Exhale, and you approach God. Hold the exhalation, and surrender to God. 

 ~Krishnamacharya

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. 

 ~Andrea Boydston

A man who has to be convinced to act before he acts is not a man of action.  

You must act as you breathe.

~George Clemenceau

There is one way of breathing that is shameful and constricted. 

Then, there's another way: a breath of love that takes you all the way to infinity. 

~Rumi

What art offers is space - a certain breathing room for the spirit. ~John Updike  

On the table...

Angels are all around us, all the time, in the very air we breathe. 

~Eileen Elias Freeman,

 

I want to give you this gift...a blog
Shine the Divine, Creativity is a Spiritual Practice..

It is a place I can't describe to you in words 

that will do the woman who shares her life with us  justice....

she is courage, heart and inspiration personified.

I hope you will go and read what she shares..

http://www.shinethedivinecreativityisaspiritualpractice.com/